Holy Mother-in-Law Apartment!

It was one of those single-lot tract ranches out by the airport, where the sound of planes taking off and landing never really leaves the sky. And from the street, it didn't look like much.

But inside...

I'll give them credit. If you've got a lot of teacups to display, this is definitely the way to do it.

Down the hall there was a room like this.

With wallpaper like THIS.

And with a sign like that, who could resist?

I see England, I see France, I see bras and underpants.

New Shimmer is a dessert topping and a floor wax. And just look at that shine! (h/t to classic SNL)

But the truth is, just about everything worth seeing in this house was down these stairs.

As I said in this post's title, holy mother-in-law apartment.

I don't know if mother-in-law apartments are a thing anywhere else, but here in Chicago they're usually non-code living spaces in the basement where your mother-in-law can live out her golden years. 

And in this case, those golden years will be lived out in the splendor of earth-toned 1970s fabulousness. 

Let's take a closer look.

First there's this bar. If mom likes to drink or entertain, she'll feel right at home. (And note that swank curving line between the tile and carpet.)

Here's a different angle. Check out that padded vinyl nailwork on the front of the bar, and the curved soffit above it with the recessed lighting. And those bar stools in black, poppy, harvest gold and white. And that mirrored wall.

And this built-in fireplace just to the right. 

And all that wood paneling. And those vintage end tables and board games. And that stereo.

Behold the Zenith console music system, with a high-fidelity solid state amplifier, Micro Touch fully automatic turntable, AM/FM/AFC tuner, selectable mono/stereo modes, and separate volume, balance, bass and treble controls. And it still worked.

This totally sweet room divider separated the living area from the bedroom. I knew there had to be a bathroom somewhere as well, but it was locked.

Here's the dining area, with room for six including our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 

Just to the right is this free-form peninsula, which leads to the kitchen.

Here it is. Get a load of that dinette set. The swag lamp above it. A full floor of that dark Mediterranean-style tile. Attention to detail has been paid.

Even the shelf liner was adorable.

This second divider, with its wood lattice and bottle-bottom glass inserts, separated the kitchen from the laundry area. Mom need never leave her below-ground home. Except in case of emergency.

And even then, I'd seriously consider staying.

A (Mc)Mansion in Glenview

Oh, my upper-income tax bracket.

This is quite possibly the grandest home I've ever been in. Calling it a McMansion actually feels unfair, because it was that opulent.

Wherever you live, whatever your own home is like, brace yourselves and prepare to feel inadequate.

We entered through a three-car garage, where this was just laying around waiting for the junk man to cart it off.

This is the entrance from the garage. Not very impressive, I know. But step around that corner on the left and...

What a kitchen. Let's take a closer look.

Double stove. Eight burners. Griddle in the middle. And the biggest stainless steel hood I've ever seen.

And here's the double refrigerator to match.

This may be a built-in cappuccino maker. Or a machine that makes every morning perfect.

We have that same faucet in our kitchen! Only ours is the cheap knock-off version.

Here's an alternate view.

Taken from what was probably a family room.

Which was right across from what was too large to call a breakfast nook.

And led to this sitting area.

That faced the formal dining room.

The pool room was nearby.

Which, by no coincidence I'm sure, looked out onto the actual pool.

But wait, as they like to say on the infomercials. There's more.

Let's go upstairs.

But not these front stairs. They're off limits for the likes of you and me.

We'll take the servants' stairs. This is where they lead.

This big room was to the left.

With this big-screen TV. But this wasn't merely a big room.

It was a big suite.

With this big bathroom. I'm not sure, but I think that's a see-through counter top.

How much would you pay for a house like this? I wondered, so I looked it up. $2.85 million.

For that price you get this green bedroom with leopard skin carpet and its own bathroom.

And this lavender bedroom with leopard skin carpet and its own bathroom.

You also receive this fantastic second-floor laundry room.

And this shower, which I'm pretty sure is just for dogs.

At the top of those grand front stairs we saw earlier was an off-limits hallway with two more doors leading to two more suites.

Let's go back down the servants' stairs to the basement, where there's something I think you're going to like.

Oh my American dream. That's a glassed-in hot tub that seats at least ten.

With this beautiful second kitchen right across from it.

Yeah. There's a huge wine cellar through that door.

Here's what the whole thing looks like...

From the vantage point of this enormous screening room.

We're almost finished. Just one more photo, one more caption.

I bet she was. Oh, boy. Do I.