Oh, my upper-income tax bracket.
This is quite possibly the grandest home I've ever been in. Calling it a McMansion actually feels unfair, because it was that opulent.
Wherever you live, whatever your own home is like, brace yourselves and prepare to feel inadequate.
We entered through a three-car garage, where this was just laying around waiting for the junk man to cart it off.
This is the entrance from the garage. Not very impressive, I know. But step around that corner on the left and...
What a kitchen. Let's take a closer look.
Double stove. Eight burners. Griddle in the middle. And the biggest stainless steel hood I've ever seen.
And here's the double refrigerator to match.
This may be a built-in cappuccino maker. Or a machine that makes every morning perfect.
We have that same faucet in our kitchen! Only ours is the cheap knock-off version.
Here's an alternate view.
Taken from what was probably a family room.
Which was right across from what was too large to call a breakfast nook.
And led to this sitting area.
That faced the formal dining room.
The pool room was nearby.
Which, by no coincidence I'm sure, looked out onto the actual pool.
But wait, as they like to say on the infomercials. There's more.
Let's go upstairs.
But not these front stairs. They're off limits for the likes of you and me.
We'll take the servants' stairs. This is where they lead.
This big room was to the left.
With this big-screen TV. But this wasn't merely a big room.
It was a big suite.
With this big bathroom. I'm not sure, but I think that's a see-through counter top.
How much would you pay for a house like this? I wondered, so I looked it up. $2.85 million.
For that price you get this green bedroom with leopard skin carpet and its own bathroom.
And this lavender bedroom with leopard skin carpet and its own bathroom.
You also receive this fantastic second-floor laundry room.
And this shower, which I'm pretty sure is just for dogs.
At the top of those grand front stairs we saw earlier was an off-limits hallway with two more doors leading to two more suites.
Let's go back down the servants' stairs to the basement, where there's something I think you're going to like.
Oh my American dream. That's a glassed-in hot tub that seats at least ten.
With this beautiful second kitchen right across from it.
Yeah. There's a huge wine cellar through that door.
Here's what the whole thing looks like...
From the vantage point of this enormous screening room.
We're almost finished. Just one more photo, one more caption.
I bet she was. Oh, boy. Do I.
The only problem with this statuette is that you constantly have to clean up after it.
By the time I arrived, there wasn't much left in the living room, except for this kicky carpet and that whorehouse floor lamp against the wall.
The house was cleverly designed around a central staircase, with landings that headed off in different directions. This little mezzanine looked out over the living room and entry way. It would be a pleasant place to sit and relax while you waited for other things to happen.
Perhaps in this master bedroom. It was a stunner -- take that any way you like -- with custom-built cabinetry covered in gray Formica. If I'm not mistaken, this is the room where Sonny Crockett seduced Mrs. Huxtable while the cast of Dynasty looked on.
I don't know if these newspapers were tucked between the mattress and the platform bed, or if they made their way here as part of the sale.
A lot of them were really old. For newspapers. People born during this era are definitely not old.
When people finally get all their news from some kind of screen, I wonder what they'll save after big events like these?
After seeing the Jack-and-Bobby-tragedy headline newspapers upstairs, these glasses in the kitchen made a lot more sense. It could just be a rumor, but they say the image our slain 35th president actually makes cold drinks taste better.
They also explained these TV Guides I found on one of the lower levels.
But it was this basement bar/rumpus room/pleasure dome that made the biggest impression.
Officially this area was off-limits, but one look at that rock wall and I knew I had to break all the rules. (Who's that in the mirror?)
That stained-glass window was lighted from behind. You'll think I'm being sarcastic or ironic when I say this, but I'm not: Talk about a touch of glass!
This built-in sauna was just off to the left, and I can think of no better place to sweat out this fall's election results than right here.
I can picture a lot of family dinners in this formal dining room. Dinners where everybody said "please" and "thank you" and no one ever raised their voice or talked about the long-simmering resentments that were just below the surface and silently tearing everyone apart.
This was mom's formal living room. Where were you supposed to sit? Not here. That's not what this sofa is for. If you kids want to sit around somewhere, go to your rooms and leave your father and me alone.
I didn't understand this...
... until I saw these. They're the shoes of a mean mom if ever I've seen them.
I bet the kids spent a lot of time down in the basement.
Hey, Junior. Good job on all your hard work at school. Another trophy? What is it you play again? Baseball and football and basketball? Well, that's just great. Go ahead and put it in the box with all the others. Then go up to your room and leave your mother and me alone.
Apparently little sister brought home some much weirder stuff from school.
During that time when dad was unemployed and spent all that time upstairs in his office with the door closed, we had to cut corners wherever we could.
One that cannot be returned to the store for cash or a gift card of equivalent value. Or given away to charity. Or sold in an estate sale. No matter how much they drive you crazy and grow up to break your heart and bring shame to the family.
